Only a Quick Breeze
A day changes and smiles in earthy teeth.
Thoughts move like vulnerable rocks that blanket
every creviced breath.
Upon finding Utopia my arms snapped off
vanished into hidden buildings
soiled in dust.
So many have stepped on these thin veins
they have turned to crisps of paper.
Weak wings, but mine.
2 comments:
I really like the first line, and the last line. I think that the lines:
'that blanket my breathe.
My face sought Utopia, but my arms snapped off'
are weaker than the rest. Plus I think that putting the 'e' on the end makes it a verb rather than a noun, but I could be wrong.
I think I might also try and mess around with line breaks to see if you could frame some of the more stronger images better.
I agree with Kevin about the line breaks. You have good images, but the longer lines seem to weaken them a bit. Maybe try breaking the lines to make them a little shorter, so you get the message across better?
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