Your memory is sawdust and mowed lawns
and the way your voice could hit
every wall when you were angry
I was upstairs with one hand on the wall
staring at the stickers you made dance on my wall
I wish this house was big
enough for one more voice
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1 comment:
hi.
first, consider a different title. i think your last couplet there could be reworked into a stronger title. something along the lines of 'a house big enough for voices'. or something less lame than my example, which completely sounds after-school special-y. you know what i mean.
secondly, you've got some strong images here, but i think they get lost with the repetition of 'wall'. i think the first one is needed, but what about trying this: "I was upstairs with one hand / staring at the stickers you made dance". I think the ambiguity of 'dance' there makes for a nice end to that line.
smokebomb.
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